Lord, I'm Tired

I'm a pretty emotional dude. When I was preaching and leading worship in the institutional church, rarely would a Sunday go by when I wouldn't find myself choked up by the emotion of the moment. Certain stories or songs or situations would hit me in the gut and I would lose the ability to speak or sing, overcome by emotion. It kind of became what I was known for.

Over the years, the songs that choke me up have changed. I remember a season when my good friends Mark and Connie White were having lots of problems with their children's inability to have children. During that time, "Blessed Be Your Name" was an impossibility for me to sing, especially when they were in the sanctuary. "You give and take away" became a series of sobs and silences. When my life blew up in the summer of 2004, I couldn't get through "Everything" by Lifehouse. Literally cried my way through a special music at church. "Victory in Jesus" was one of mom's faves, and my dad and I both struggled through that chorus at mom's funeral. I inherited my vocal volume from my father, and it must have been quite and auditory spectacle (is that even possible?!) for the people on stage at mom's funeral. Here dad and I were, sitting in the front row belting out this great hymn; then, at the same time, we got choked up and unable to sing, and the decibel level had to drop by about half!

The flip-side of that type of emotion was also a characteristic of my worship leading. I could laugh and rejoice and celebrate with the best of them during worship. Give me a set with the right David Crowder songs, and I would be having the time of my life, with or without you. "Undignfied." "No One Like You." "Wholly Yours." We had so much fun with those tunes.

But there is one old school Crowder song that I have never been able to lead corporately because, every time I try to sing it, I get overwhelmed with the imagery of a God who never leaves or forsakes that I become a blubbering mess. And since it is such an obscure Crowder song, I'm usually the only one who knows it. Which makes it hard for people to sing. I'm listening to it now on Amazon Prime and the lyrics are, again, taking over my emotions. The song is the title track from their under-appreciated "All I Can Say" album. If you haven't heard it before, it's worth a listen. Here's a YouTube link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5L97ygGwok. And here are the lyrics of angst, abandonment, and hope:

Lord, I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord, I'm so alone
And Lord, the dark is creeping in, creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
And rest here a while

And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
That's my everything

Oh, did you see me crying?
Oh, and didn't you hear me call your name?
Wasn't it you I gave my heart to?
I wish you'd remember where you set it down

And this is all
This is all that I can say right now
I know it's not much
But this is all that I can give
Yeah, that's my everything
This is all that I can say right now, right now
I know it's not much
But this is all that I can give
Yeah, that's my everything

I didn't notice you were standing here

I didn't know that that was you holding me

I didn't notice you were crying too

I didn't know that that was you washing my feet

And this is all

This is all that I can say right now
Oh, I know it's not much
But this is all that I can give
Yeah, That's my everything
This is all that I can say right now, right now
I know it's not much
But this is all that I can give
Yeah, that's my everything

This is all that I can say right now
Oh, I know it's not much
But this is all that I can give
And that's my everything
Yeah, that's my everything
Yeah, that's my everything
Everything

Find the hope in the midst of the darkness. He. Is. There.
Blessings.

Give Us Rest

I've spent the better part of this year listening to the final David Crowder* Band album, Give Us Rest (a requiem mass in the key of C [the happiest of all keys]).  I'm a firm believer that seasons of our lives often have soundtracks, usually not ones that we would choose.  When I went through my divorce 7 years ago (goodness! 7 years?!), the soundtrack was Third Day's Wire.  I have always thought that this was an odd soundtrack.  Nevertheless, whenever a song from that CD plays, I am taken back to an eggplant minivan, a rent house on Lasalle, and a three- and one-year old daughter.

Even though I'm not sure what is just around the corner for me, I have this feeling that there is some change on the horizon.  And I think that Give Us Rest is turning into the soundtrack for this season.  The feelings of despair and hope, of death and resurrection, of darkness and light that permeate the album have struck a chord deep in my heart.  "O Great God, Give Us Rest," "Fall On Your Knees," "Oh My God" & "Oh, Great Love of God" have especially resonated.  But, like most of Crowder's art, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

I look forward to continuing to see how Crowder's requiem speaks to this season.  This probably won't be the last blog about this masterpiece.

How about you?  Which songs are resonating with you?  What is the whole album saying to you?