I don't know why I think this, but I have a bad feeling that this week's going to be the toughest yet for those of us fasting. Maybe it's because the week got off to such a rough start. Feast day was not terribly kind to a portion of our group. One of our guys had a not-so-fun reaction to the reintroduction of fat into his diet (translation -- feast day = sick day), while one of the gals had to go to the doctor, where she was chastised for trying to do this kind of thing while dealing with an autoimmune disease. And that was just Sunday and Monday.
I have just had this sense that, unlike my first week-and-a-half where my body has responded well, my body's about to be not very happy with me. But maybe that's a cop out. Maybe what it really comes down to is that my self-control is beginning to wane. The chocolate that is sitting in the bowl on the counter is much more tempting this week than it has been in the past. (I know. If I moved the bowl out of sight, it wouldn't be a temptation. But where's the challenge in that?) Dinner with the fam yesterday was spaghetti and garlic bread, and those things looked significantly more enjoyable than my potatoes and tortillas. Every time that I open the fridge to make a lunch for the girls, I see that cheese that looks phenomenal. (I WAS born in Wisconsin, after all. Cheese is a birthright!) Even though my friend Jeremy covered his chicken bowl from Chipotle in nasty veggies at lunch, it STILL looked better than my brown rice.
Or maybe I'm just afraid that this is the week that the fast gets really personal. I've learned a lot about world hunger and thirst, the plight of the poor and needy, and how good the simple things can be on this fast. And those are great lessons for me to learn. But what happens when the lessons that I begin to be taught are lessons of purging the darkness from my own heart -- the greed and the lust, the unforgiveness and the judgment, the bigotry and the hypocrisy? Am I really ready to deal with all of that crap? I have a feeling that it's coming to the surface, whether I'm ready or not.
But I can't decide what my biggest fear is. Am I afraid for this to come to the surface because you might see it, and if you happen to see it, you might like me less? Am I afraid that when this comes to the surface, I'LL have to see it and deal with it and the delusion that I am somehow right and sane and figured out will come crashing down around me? Or am I afraid that, since I do such a good job of hiding behind my "figured-out-ness," Jesus will actually see me as I really am and HE'LL be ashamed? I know that makes absolutely ZERO since theologically, but there are times when I believe that if Jesus saw me as I really was, His holiness would not allow Him to love me.
Even as I re-read that last sentence, I am amazed that such a silly thought could exist inside my head. I know better. But the thought is there. And I'm usually so busy living a surface life that I never get deep enough to word such delusional thoughts. Fasting (in whatever form it shows up) has a tendency to move us beyond surface and into the deeper regions of our psyche that we don't want others or ourselves or even Jesus to see. But I am becoming convinced that, until we open up THOSE areas of our lives to the redemption of Jesus, we'll continue to live in the patterns of our lives, being hurt by people and turning around and channelling that hurt towards others.
So I guess what I'm talking myself into is that the reality that this might be a tough week is probably a good thing, long term. But, if I were you, I'd try to stay away from me until feast day. You might not like what you see. . .
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