A Place at the Table, day 8

I could never be a writer.  The thought of writing everyday in this blog sometimes terrifies me.  It doesn't seem like much, but the everyday-ness of it can become daunting.  One of my favorite writers, Donald Miller, makes it seem so easy.  I'm sure that the real story is much more messy, but he makes it seem like he's weeks and months ahead on his blog, just waiting for the right time to post those life-changing thoughts that he planned out weeks before.

As I am sitting around throughout the day, I have all of these "brilliant" thoughts about what I'm going to write about.  Then, when I sit down at the computer to write, something completely different comes out.  Sometimes it has a little bit to do with the thought I had before, but most of the time it becomes just whatever thought pops into my head at the time.  SQUIRREL!

I suppose that some of that has to do with the fact that I'm a little guarded in my thoughts.  I don't know if you know this or not, but the Internet is available to people all over the world.  And while I'm not arrogant enough to believe that the entire world is listening in on my thoughts, it HAS surprised me who is following these thoughts.  Just a few moments ago in the coffee shop I am working in today, I ran into a friend that I haven't really talked to in months, and he commented on the fact that he has been following this blog.

One of the interesting things about a fast is that it opens you up to what is really going on in your heart.  When you peel away the layers of facade that we put up in our daily lives, sometimes we don't like what we find underneath.  There's this insight that my Master had into the human psyche -- "Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks."  While it doesn't seem like too much of a profound statement, there is deep truth in this simple statement.  I have found in recent weeks (some even before this fast began) that I can have a relatively foul mouth.  Now, I've been around church and life enough to know when not to use those words in public, but I find myself saying things in my private moments that are just not "churchy."  As a matter of fact, I find myself inserting inappropriate words into the worship songs that I am singing in the shower.  And, no, I don't mean "sing your freaking lungs out." (Obscure "Words to Build a Life On" reference for my Raintree peeps.)  It would be easy for me to dismiss this as just Dave being Dave, but if Jesus is to be believed (and I kinda think He IS to be believed) these words give a window to what is going on in my heart.  So, if my mouth is speaking filth, what does that say about my heart?

I was just looking up the passage that I quoted above to make sure my memory was correct (it was), and what I found convicted me even more.  The context of this insight in Matthew is Jesus teaching about good trees and bad trees.  The indictment right before this quote in Matthew is "You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good?"  Not exactly the encouragement that I needed today.

Or maybe it IS the encouragement I need.  Because that's what the real life looks like.  When we open up the dark places of our souls and our hearts to the Liberating King, we might not like what we see there.  But until we're willing to open our wounds to let His blood cover those dark places, true healing cannot come.  One of the things I love about my Jesus is that He will not force Himself into the darkness of our lives.  But once we open up those places to His light, we find healing, freedom, and redemption that we never knew was possible.  Not that it's easy to get there, but I'm choosing to trust that the shalom that happens on the other side of this is worth the muck that we find ourselves in now.